26 March 2010

Your Cycling Horoscope - 4

A friend is on a mission to redefine the constellations from the Argos catalogue, to be more appropriate in the 21st century. Out go dragons, giant crabs, and man-horses with bows and arrows; in come lawnmowers, shoe-racks and sofa-beds.

Anyway, here once more, for your Friday entertainment, is another round of Real Cycling Horoscopes...

Raleigh (20 Mar–20 Apr) You will be swept off your feet by a tall dark stranger today. Unfortunately they're driving a Royal Mail van at the time.

Brompton (21 Apr–20 May) Don't be tempted to drink and cycle today. Be sensible: pull over to the side, stop, finish your can of Tennents Super, and only then continue on your way.

Specialized (21 May–20 Jun) You'll be making waves today. Serve you right for cycling so fast along Regents Canal towpath.

Kona (21 Jun–21 Jul) Today might be a good time to learn a new language, given the cosmopolitan nature of London's most dangerous bus drivers.

Scott (22 Jul –22 Aug) It's a day for building bridges. You just wish they weren't still building Waterloo, as it's the one you cycle across.

Pashley (22 Aug–Sep) You're good at tongue twisters, which is lucky when you witness an accident in Tokyo between a red lorry and a yellow lorry.

Cannondale (20 Sep–21 Oct) A long walk often helps think about a problem. In this case though the problem is why bike parking on Piccadilly is so damn far from where you need to be.

Thorn (22 Oct–21 Nov) You like doing things your own way, which is just as well, given that there are no direct signed cycle routes at all across the City of London.

Dawes (21 Nov–20 Dec) Someone gets knocked off their bike in London every 25 minutes. Unfortunately today that person is you, and by the end of the day you'll be fed up of it.

Trek (21 Dec–20 Jan) Police suspicion over your outdoor photography is justified when your snaps of the cycle contraflow in Limehouse trigger a chain of events that ultimately causes the collapse of western democracy.

Giant (21 Jan–19 Feb) Your prayers for a miracle on your cycle trip to Lourdes are answered when, to the bafflement of doctors, your bike gets a new set of tyres.

Dahon (19 Feb–20 Mar) Security should be a priority today. Use the heaviest, most robust cycle lock you can find to hit the bastard trying to steal your bike.

(Previous horoscopes: 1, 2, 3)


  1. "Someone gets knocked off their bike in London every 25 minutes."

    Is this your wacky humour or is this true? I have no difficulty in believing it's true but if so, what's the source?

  2. No room for Moulton?

    Mind you, some folk think that the Good Doctor has his own cult already!