Your Cycling Horoscope - 4

A friend is on a mission to redefine the constellations from the Argos catalogue, to be more appropriate in the 21st century. Out go dragons, giant crabs, and man-horses with bows and arrows; in come lawnmowers, shoe-racks and sofa-beds.

Anyway, here once more, for your Friday entertainment, is another round of Real Cycling Horoscopes...

Raleigh (20 Mar–20 Apr) You will be swept off your feet by a tall dark stranger today. Unfortunately they're driving a Royal Mail van at the time.

Brompton (21 Apr–20 May) Don't be tempted to drink and cycle today. Be sensible: pull over to the side, stop, finish your can of Tennents Super, and only then continue on your way.

Specialized (21 May–20 Jun) You'll be making waves today. Serve you right for cycling so fast along Regents Canal towpath.

Kona (21 Jun–21 Jul) Today might be a good time to learn a new language, given the cosmopolitan nature of London's most dangerous bus drivers.

Scott (22 Jul –22 Aug) It's a day for building bridges. You just wish they weren't still building Waterloo, as it's the one you cycle across.

Pashley (22 Aug–Sep) You're good at tongue twisters, which is lucky when you witness an accident in Tokyo between a red lorry and a yellow lorry.

Cannondale (20 Sep–21 Oct) A long walk often helps think about a problem. In this case though the problem is why bike parking on Piccadilly is so damn far from where you need to be.

Thorn (22 Oct–21 Nov) You like doing things your own way, which is just as well, given that there are no direct signed cycle routes at all across the City of London.

Dawes (21 Nov–20 Dec) Someone gets knocked off their bike in London every 25 minutes. Unfortunately today that person is you, and by the end of the day you'll be fed up of it.

Trek (21 Dec–20 Jan) Police suspicion over your outdoor photography is justified when your snaps of the cycle contraflow in Limehouse trigger a chain of events that ultimately causes the collapse of western democracy.

Giant (21 Jan–19 Feb) Your prayers for a miracle on your cycle trip to Lourdes are answered when, to the bafflement of doctors, your bike gets a new set of tyres.

Dahon (19 Feb–20 Mar) Security should be a priority today. Use the heaviest, most robust cycle lock you can find to hit the bastard trying to steal your bike.

(Previous horoscopes: 1, 2, 3)

Your Cycling Horoscope - 3

Astrology is derided by scientists, but what do they know? There must be something in it, because it is centuries old and believed in by many people, like homeopathy, or Transport for London's cycling strategies.

So here, for your Friday entertainment, is another round of Real Cycling Horoscopes...

Aries (20 Mar–20 Apr) You always wanted to be an inspiration to someone. Unfortunately today you inspire the scriptwriter of Casualty.

Taurus (21 Apr–20 May) Where there's a will, there's a way. But when the London Cycle Network Plus scheme died last year, it left no will.

Gemini (21 May–20 Jun) As one door closes, another opens. You'll remember this too late when the contraflow takes you alongside a line of parked cars.

Cancer (21 Jun–21 Jul) You prove that bikes really can put a smile on people's faces today when you qualify as the world's first cycling plastic surgeon.

Leo (22 Jul –22 Aug) Where you lead, others follow close behind. Shame it's a narrow single lane and so many of them are HGVs.

Virgo (22 Aug–Sep) You're always trying to run before you can walk. The problem is solved today when an encounter with a bus renders you able to do neither.

Libra (20 Sep–21 Oct) Music could have an impact on you today when a pedestrian listening to their iPod abruptly steps out in front of you.

Scorpio (22 Oct–21 Nov) You enjoy finding new ways round things. Just as well, given all those roadworks on Waterloo Bridge today.

Sagittarius (21 Nov–20 Dec) You're not one of those dreadful smug cyclists. You're just pleased because we're superior to everyone else.

Capricorn (21 Dec–20 Jan) It's time to grasp the nettle today. It's the only way of clearing these overgrown cycle paths.

Aquarius (21 Jan–19 Feb) You plan a bank robbery with the perfect getaway by wearing blue shoes, trousers, jacket and gloves, painting your face and hair the same colour, and escaping along a Cycle Superhighway.

Pisces (19 Feb–20 Mar) You set safety researchers an intriguing problem this afternoon when you sustain head injuries from a spilled vanload of cycle helmets.

(More horoscopes: 1, 2)

Your Cycling Horoscope - 2

Things are quiet today, so here's another Real Cycling horoscope, specially personalised for you (like the previous horoscope).

Aries (20 Mar–20 Apr) Many taxi drivers actually have a soft spot for cyclists, as you find out when one runs you into a pile of builder's sand on Southwark Bridge.

Taurus (21 Apr–20 May) A long thoughtful walk by yourself is often a good way to solve a problem. Unfortunately it won't solve the problem of having had your front wheel nicked five miles from home.

Gemini (21 May–20 Jun) Part of you wants to play the Good Samaritan when you come across Jeremy Clarkson's car stuck in a remote rural ford. However, you also have a good sense of humour, as well as a video camera and a YouTube account.

Cancer (21 Jun–21 Jul) You're always prepared to go the extra mile to get what you want. Just as well, as you're looking for cycle parking on Regent St.

Leo (22 Jul –22 Aug) It's time to stand up and be counted. Unfortunately what they're counting is collision stats, and you can't stand up any more.

Virgo (22 Aug–Sep) You're ready to take the rough with the smooth, but that road surface on Manor Place off Walworth Road is just ridiculous.

Libra (20 Sep–21 Oct) Take everything with a pinch of salt this evening. You'll need it, because the council gritters haven't been out yet.

Scorpio (22 Oct–21 Nov) Something you haven't seen for months unexpectedly reappears today: Mars. You really must stop putting chocolate in your pannier and forgetting about it.

Sagittarius (21 Nov–20 Dec) After years of study of Hampton Court's hedge puzzle, maze-solving algorithms, and laboratory rat behaviour, you finally discover the solution to the London Cycle Network.

Capricorn (21 Dec–20 Jan) As if being a witness to that bank robbery wasn't traumatic enough, the actor playing you in the Crimewatch reconstruction is older, fatter and uglier than you are, and the bike rather better.

Aquarius (21 Jan–19 Feb) This is a good time to campaign for better bike facilities at work, such as secure parking, showers and changing rooms. Because you're going to have unlimited time to do it, as you'll discover when your sombre-looking boss calls you for a quiet word this afternoon.

Pisces (19 Feb–20 Mar) Be prepared to meet people halfway today. Tell the driver who just cut you up that he's a cu and a wan.

Your cycling horoscope

Astrology fans will be interested to know that the word 'gullible' doesn't appear in the Oxford English Dictionary. They'll also be interested in reading the Real Cycling horoscope, specially personalised for you.

Aries (20 Mar–20 Apr) Your life will take some unexpected twists and turns today when you take the Elephant and Castle cycle by-pass.

Taurus (21 Apr–20 May) There's always room in your life for someone new. Just as well, as motorbikes are now allowed to use ASLs.

Gemini (21 May–20 Jun) Having Jupiter in Leo and Mars in Capricorn is bad enough, but that parked van in your contraflow lane is really pissing you off.

Cancer (21 Jun–21 Jul) You tend to hide your light under a bushel. That's why you won't be able to find it when you bike home tonight.

Leo (22 Jul –22 Aug) Remember, there's no such thing as bad weather, just smug people with better rainproofs than you.

Virgo (22 Aug–Sep) Your sense of humour will come into play today when you are run over by a coachload of reconstructive surgeons.

Libra (20 Sep–21 Oct) Remember there's two sides to everything, except when taxis cut you up, which is more of a Möbius strip.

Scorpio (22 Octr–21 Nov) You'll come into some money today when a Securicor van reverses into you.

Sagittarius (21 Nov–21 Dec) Your wish is granted when the youth that stole your bike actually does get admitted to A&E with a bizarre and inoperable cucumber-related mishap.

Capricorn (21 Dec–20 Jan) There's something in the air today, as you'll find when you're stuck at the lights behind that bus exhaust.

Aquarius (21 Jan–19 Feb) It'll feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall today when a Royal Mail van runs you off the road and you bang your head against a brick wall.

Pisces (19 Feb–20 Mar) You don't like change, so luckily for you Cycle Superhighways won't make any difference.