02 January 2010
I don't make predictions and I never will
You can tell yesterday was the start of a new year, because our local Tesco is selling Easter eggs already (no, honestly, it is!). Anyway, it's time for some predictions for 2010, so here's the Real Cycling forecast for the coming year.
January The BBC announce a new popular cycling programme, Granny Gear, to be hosted by James May. The series will feature a team of middle-aged laddish presenters attempting wacky, death-defying stunts, such as cycling round the Elephant and Castle.
February Unexpected cold weather holds up work on the first two Cycle Superhighways by crippling every piece of the construction equipment: both tins of blue paint freeze up.
March In a desperate bid to emulate David Cameron, Gordon Brown takes up cycling. He is nearly killed when three cars cut across him in Parliament Square. Three front-bench Labour MPs are arrested for dangerous driving.
April Unexpected rainy weather delays Cycle Superhighways again by submerging markings for the routes. When the puddles eventually dry off, the routes are so narrow it takes two months to find them again.
May The London Bike Hire Scheme opens. The Daily Mail complains it is unpopular: no-one is using it, it's a waste of money, and should be axed.
June The Daily Mail complains that the London Bike Hire Scheme is too popular: it has flooded the streets with inexperienced cyclists, it is dangerous, and should be axed.
July In France, the World Drug Taking Championships are mired in controversy when the winner is revealed to have secretly used a bike to cycle off the effects of the stimulants.
August Unexpected hot weather delays Cycle Superhighways again when the restaurant napkin with the master plan sketched on it in biro is accidentally used to wipe up a spillage.
September Transport for London announces in triumph that, since 2001, the level of cycling statistics has more than doubled.
October Cycle Superhighways open at last. No-one notices any difference.
November London Underground strike. Bob Crow is knighted for his services to cycling.
December The Daily Mail complains that now usage of the London Bike Hire Scheme has levelled off at the predicted figures, but it hasn't made any difference to the levels of traffic congestion, and should be axed.