Any old irony? Singalong fun in Trafalgar Sq

The St George's Day celebrations in Trafalgar Square yesterday were rather fun (right). They included a selection of classic music hall songs, enjoyable without needing any old irony.

Of course, the big problem with Trafalgar Square is the bike parking. There's none in the square itself. The few miserable racks opposite the National Portrait Gallery are always full, even the street furniture and trees (below right).

The handful of spaces behind the National Gallery often do have vacancies, mostly created by bikes being stolen off them.


Still, the music hall songs were a treat. But we think some of them need updating for 21st-century cyclists:

• My old man said report that van
• Any old chromoly?
• If it wasn't for the cars parked in between
• My old Dutch bike
• Wotcher - knocked down on the Old Kent Road
• No bike parking down at the Old Bull and Bush
• A car alarm went off in Berkeley Square
• Let's all go down the Strand (next Critical Mass)
• It's a long way to Tipperary by the Sustrans route


And the most famous cycle song of them all, Daisy Bell, certainly needs a makeover. (I pontificated about this in detail in a recent column for Cycling Plus.) Here's a better set of words for the cycle-based relationship of today:

Daisy, Daisy
Text me your answer quick
Last night's hazy
So is your Facebook pic
It won't be a stylish speed dating
I've got no credit rating
But have some booze
Show your tattooes
And we'll snog on our bikes in pub-lic

Bit of trouble with the last line, I'll grant you. But Marie Lloyd could've carried it off, no doubt.

Celebrating English values, by George

It's St George's Day today. So, up and down the country, we'll be flying the flag and cheering the spirit of the true blue Englishman, who was born in Palestine and lived in the Middle East.

St George specifically personifies English values and is exclusive to England, as well as Aragon, Catalonia, Ethiopia, Georgia, Greece, Lithuania, Palestine, Portugal and Russia, plus the cities of Amersfoort, Beirut, Fakiha, Bteghrine, Cáceres, Ferrara, Freiburg, Genoa, Ljubljana, Gozo, Milan, Pomorie, Preston, Qormi, Rio de Janeiro, Lod, Barcelona and Moscow.

Many events are being held today and over the weekend in London to celebrate this unique association, including a jamboree in Trafalgar Square tomorrow that promises 'the atmosphere of a traditional English fete', such as fish paste sandwiches, a gonk stall, and rain.


So what will London's cyclists be doing today to celebrate St George and his great English values?

• Visiting pub called 'George and Dragon' for tapas and Polish lager
• Swearing at taxi, bus drivers to music of Elgar
• Cycling in suit of armour
• Flying English flag on bike, made in China and bought from Mr Gupta's pound store
• Planning St George-themed world cycle tour to Aragon, Amersfoort, Qormi etc for self-filmed Mark-Beaumont-style TV series, end up just going to The George in Southwark
• Organising ride to celebrate English rights and freedoms and getting arrested for taking photographs while on it
• Achieving martyrdom by riding round Aldwych